Scattered Thoughts

My thoughts are a mess

the pain it is exquisite.

My skin crawling; Like termites,

every time I visit.

Back down the rabbit hole,

Fuck, I swore I'd never be back.

There is comfort in your solitude,

A puzzle I can never seem to crack.

Why must I always choose

between my peace or my sanity?

I'm stuck!

I've been screaming at myself, while I drown in the reality.

These four walls inside my head,

a paradise or is it a prison.

Running in circles around you;

Just out of reach, but always in my vision.

With just one touch,

you calm the storm, the electric under my skin.

But how can I forever escape

the god damn four walled prison that I'm in.

But there is always a pill,

two, three, another.

Everything is both quiet and loud,

And I put up more walls to take cover.

It's like I'm drowning,

the rest of the world breathing in my air.

And then I see you,

I forget that I can't breath but no longer do I care.

So, I'm okay drowning

in the undertow of your ocean eyes,

I forget all the anger, the pain,

I forget all of your lies.

Like an addiction,

my personal Novocain.

You are my magic,

the impossible way you erase all of my pain.

If just for a second,

And then I come back down to remember.

That I am a disease,

a monster of my own dismember.

Because of me,

you'll probably be the next one to leave.

My chest is on fire now,

and I remember to try and breath.

This is a torturous cycle

that I can't seem to escape,

this mind of mine; my disguise,

I wear it like a cape.

My palace of destruction,

I find myself back here again and again

A prisoner of my own construction.

And again I can't function!

This is where I always get stuck,

I always end up.

Sitting in the dark,

sipping these fucked up thoughts from your cup.

I'm fine.

Isn't that the favorite lie of the hour?

I hear you call my name.

I try and answer but the words come out wrong, they come out sour!

Shit.

Now I ponder my thought over another hit,

I gotta live with this shit.

Sleep on it, obsess, scream, and even dream on it.

They're more like nightmares...

Flashes of a person I fought so hard not to be,

Your words burn into my soul, tears hot, blurring,

and now I can't see.

But I'm almost thankful.

Because if I could see the pain, all of the hurt in your face,

I think I'd lose it.

Even from myself I need space.

As I retreat to the familiar hell in my head,

It's always safe there,

I rest here,

spiderwebbed hammocks are my bed.

Shackled and cuffed,

sharing this castle of insanity,

I sit on my self built throne,

Praying to fake gods to show us some clarity.

My skin aches for escape,

so I pop another hit,

another molly,

who knew it could be this gorgeous;

our saturated melancholy?

I'm lost still

and these flowers they are merciful.

I'm dying in the garden,

didn't know death was this beautiful.

-LaurenAshley