The Unraveling

Some people will never understand,

How hard it is to be good, when you've been so terribly bad

& I don't mean that in a 'tempting' sense

I mean for a period of time

I was broken to a point, where nothing would hurt

I did all of these things thinking I would never come back

I intended on dying, before I would ever be fixed

I never thought I'd be a functioning human in society ever again

Things happened, I'm trying to leave it at that

Willingly & unwillingly because

When you are dead, who cares what comes next

When there is no future, you do things that should've never been done

& when you're dying, you let things happen that would make the

normal you run

It's the end of it all, you can't scream nor shout

You're caught up in flames, but not aware enough to put the flames out

& then you begin to try to speed up the process

Best to get it over with, instead of suffering through hell

You'd be surprised at the amount of people who take advantage of

someone who isn't all quite well

& I remember it all

I'm here but I'm there

I'm here in this pristine version of life, & I'm sitting back watching how

I held the knife

Up to my very own throat, slowly slitting away

& I didn't even care enough to choke

You see, I'm here but I'm there

The drugs, the obsession, the despair,

The death

people around me dropping like flies

People I loved dying is what brought me back

& I'm probably more destroyed now than I ever was then

Because instead of dying, I lived

& Intimacy is no longer the same, you can't close your eyes without

things fucking replaying

Over & over & over & over again

Laying butt naked in bed in the midst of a full blown panic attack

That's never a good conversation starter

Or stopper

Asking me if I'm okay, I'm spectacular

Just can't seem to figure out which reality is real

Back then or today

You lie & say 'it's just something that happens, work was a disaster, so

it's got me all scrambled'

Then you spend a good half hour talking yourself down,

trying to make your own mind believes those things aren't happening right now

& they are not,

you know, only in your head

Which isn't actually real,

so breathe

In & out & in & out

& do your best not to fall down

Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc. Etc.

I try to find the words,

I'm still trying to breathe

Still trying to figure out if I'm her or I'm me

Because I can't be both, you see

Because the old me's seen too many unfortunate things

I won't say probably,

I'm definitely more destroyed now than I ever was

then

I guess that's what happens when instead of dying, you live

It shouldn't be termed "The Recovering Addict'

You don't 'recover' from things like that.

Sobriety doesn’t mean a thing,

I can still remember it all, like it was happening today.

You probably shouldn't get addicted to drugs

If you plan on living through it,

I didn't plan on it, now I have to live with it.

& it's a pretty ugly fucking 'recovery.